Cubicle

Casting Notice

2006-02-23T11:26:00.000-05:00

Now I've been known to search the casting notices and as we all know, there are some weird postings. But I think I've finally found one that fits me to a T. Eh?

VELCRO - Gabe's monkey. Gentle, monkey, well-trained. Must be able to obey simple commands.

I was born for this role.

-Leslie

Weather or blood pouring from my nether regions...

2006-02-16T15:23:00.000-05:00

I am so tired lately and I think it's a combination of the weather rapidly changing from hot to cold, my hectic schedule and the curse of women. Yknow. Aunt Flow. Or maybe it's just Olympic Malaise.

I'm so sick of the Olympics and I wish Al, Katie and Matt would all get their asses back to New York so I could stop being so confused by the Today show. This past week, Al and Matt got in spandex bodytards, laid on top of each other and luged down a tunnel of ice. If the track didn't look so damn much like a fallopian tube, I would swear those two guys were ggggay.

Did anyone else notice that Katie Couric looks like she has no pupils anymore? I'm pretty sure she's satan.

-Leslie

The big question...

2005-12-16T17:04:00.000-05:00

Ok, here's the big question: How come Bernie doesn't deteriorate? How come his flesh doesn't rot away, ESPECIALLY after he gets swept into the ocean and pummelled by the waves? I mean, ok, I'll give it to you that a dead man can stay fresh for like, what, 2 days tops? But after he's been in the salt-water, even for just an hour or so. It seems like that's gotta speed things up a bit. And also being dragged around, kept in the sun, the salty air...And when he does start to smell, they just put cologne on him? I mean, I know a few old guys who smell they are slowly rotting from the inside but the operative word here is SLOWLY and INSIDE. Bernie is FASTLY rotting from EVERYWHERE!

Also I wonder what his junk looks like. Does it fall off?

-Leslie

ps-I am of course referring to Weekend At Bernie's. Number 1 only.

pps-also, how does he have sex with that girl with the terrible accent?

Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!!!

2005-12-01T12:40:00.000-05:00

Here is something to note: Katie Couric hasn't been a "regular" on the Today show for almost a year, by my count. Slowly but surely usurping her position is Alexis Glick with her secret little double smile. Who amongst us cannot imagine the day when Alexis comes up behind Katie with a candlestick and bashes her over the head with it a la "Clue?" But something to remember--Alexis is the underdog. She is hardly mentioned AT ALL on the Today Show website save for "...reported by Alexis Glick." No bio, no nothing.
Alexis is "Jan" to Katie's "Marsha." She's "Donald Duck" to Katie's "Bugs Bunny." Hell, she's not even "Garth" to Katie's "Wayne," she's more like that guy in WW1 with the camera who says, "Do I scare you? Do you want me to?"

Poor poor Alexis...

-Leslie

Sex in the City...

2005-11-30T11:08:00.000-05:00

Only replace "sex" with "phlegm" and "city" with "throat." Is something going around and do I have it now?

I am going to Italy, specifically Rome, on Friday and I haven't prepared at all. Here's what I think I will do. On the plane ride, I will pop in my two unopened pristine "Learning Italian!" CDs that I got weeks ago, eat some ambien and become comatose. Then, when I wake up, I'll be fluent in Italian! But here's the problem:
What if I don't become fluent in Italian, I only become proficient BUT I lose all of my ability to speak English? I would have to speak in broken Italian the rest of my life!

That'll be hell for sketches...

-Leslie

What a fun and magical ride...

2005-11-25T15:41:00.000-05:00

It's a sad day for me folks. I had to make a difficult decision this week, and the result is my quitting Cubicle. It's been an interesting trip, full of laughter and tears and child molesting robots, but when I know i can no longer put forth the proper effort that this team deserves, I must bow out gracefully. These guys have taught me a lot about myself, about comedy, and about the inner workings of the United Nations, and for that they will eternally be in my heart. I will miss you guys. I hope one day we can work together again, for i see our paths crossing on a red carpet somewhere in the not too distant future. And I just wish Cubicle everything they deserve. Keep 'em laughing.
Nick

Upcoming shows...and racism!

2005-11-09T13:47:00.000-05:00

Anyone who reads between the lines just a little bit can tell that the Today show is RAMPANT with sex and racism. Today, Alexis actually introduced a bit like this: "Wonder why Japanese women are so skinny and never age? We'll show you!" I think that the writers actually believe that Japanese women have some mystical power that they derive from the antioxidants in tea and actually never ever age. Well I'm here to say that they DO! I've seen old old Japanese women a lot...And not just in brothels but EVERYWHERE!!!
God, I'm beginning to sound like a today show writer.

The Time of Your Life Super Platinum Extended Director's Commentary Edition!
THIS SATURDAY, November 12th, 9:30 PM
The PIT, 154 W. 29th Street, $8
212-563-7488

and

NEXT SATURDAY, November 19th, 9:30 PM
The PIT, 154 W. 29th Street, $8
212-563-7488

And the website has been updated! Kinda!

www.cubicleimprov.com
-Leslie

No Soap...RADIO!

2005-11-02T11:20:00.000-05:00

I don't get that joke.

So I've taken a break from posting these past few days to really come to terms with something. I know it's going to be a hard thing for everyone to accept but here goes...

I don't hate Al Roker.

For the past week I've been beating myself up for enjoying his quips and puns. I've been flagellating myself for agreeing with his catty, bitchy comments about Matt and Anne. I've been ripping my heart out because I realize I like him, I LIKE HIM, OK?? So sue me.

A friend of mine who works on the today show told me that he's actually a really nice guy; you always know what you're gonna get with Al Roker. He's dependable.

I think it's just a shame that he cut up his stomach so it only has a pocket the size of a baby's fist.

SHOW THIS FRIDAY, 11/4/05, 10:30 PM
PHILLY IMPROV FESTIVAL
THEATRE AT 2111 SANSOM STREET
www.phillyimprov.com/festival

Cubicle unleashes an all-new form! It will henceforth be known as the Cubicle!!!! (we wish)

-Leslie

New York City Partiers

2005-10-31T11:55:00.000-05:00

When did it become cool to not have a good time when you go out?
This phenomenon simply doesn't register with me. I went out to a 3 Halloween house parties in Brooklyn (as there are houses in Brooklyn) and noticed one particular similarity between the lot: no one was having fun. I will describe one, you just cut and paste 2 more paragraphs because they were all the same.
There was an open bar (donations reccommended, but not enforced). There was the cult horror "Vampiros Lesbos" was projected 6'x8' on the wall. 3 djs and 2 live bands. You had all the ingredients for a good time...but no. Not a single soul was remotely letting loose. I floated from one conversation to another all revolving around Bloomberg and incoming terrorist threats. Music knowledge and art regurgitations being thrown about like confetti. The d.j. played "uber-new-ultra-awesome-b-side-jungle-drum-and-bass/electro-core" bullshit that no one even cared to dance to. And the live bands sounded like some overprocessed pureed synth pop Bloc Party knock off, reminiscent of everything else you hear today.
What ever happened to the days of getting drunk off cheap beer, yelling ridiculously loud about nothing important, and finding some other person of the opposite sex who is (reccommended, but not required to be) just as drunk as you to possibly seduce and romance for one great Hallows Eve, all while dancing to some awful (but recognizable and fun) early 90's Bobby Brown (a la My Perogative, or even better for the occassion, The Ghostbusters II theme song)? For me, this is what makes an evening fun: not caring about serious shit, enjoying terribly cheesy music that reminds me of middle school sock hops, being very serious (yet diplomatic) about who goes to the bar next for drinks, and hopefully enjoying the company of someone in the end. Is that too much to ask?
My main point is this: Anyone can read Rolling Stone, digest, and shit out the same bullshit opinions about music, art, politics and the like. But who really wants to be so concerned and solve all the worlds problems on a Saturday night in the middle of a party? Drop the crap opinions, turn off the "so hip it sucks" music, pick up a beer and dance to Milli Vanilli. Next time you see someone at a party talking politics and art, ask them if their 17 year old self would approve of them now. Let them think, and then hand them a beer. You'd be doing yourself and the world some justice.
Good Night.
Nick

School Daze

2005-10-25T19:09:00.001-04:00

For those of you who are unaware, I am the only member of Cubicle still in college. I've gotta say, the majority of my college experience has been great, but I getting quite sick of the other crap that comes with it. That's right, this is a blog, we are allowed to whine. Here is a list of things that bother me about college:

1. Grades

Seriously, I've been getting graded on everything since I was about 5 in kindergarten. At 21, I feel arbitrary letter grades accompanied with an even more bullshit system of GPA is just plain boring. Why can't I get graded on things that matter, like in the way Indian Tribes did it. I would much rather be quized on my hunting and gathering skills than my knowledge of Foreign Film. I mean, who knows when I'll need to shoot an enemy in the leg with a bow and arrow. I think it's much more of a useful skill than correctly identifying the rules of a dogme 95 film.

2. Convenience

Everything should be 24 hours. I mean EVERYTHING! The majority of my meals are eating at night. On a regular day I will arise from bed around 3pm and won't consume my first meal until about 5. So, the rest of my consumption happens between the hours of 12am-5am. Not to mention the occaisonal snacks that accompany a night of drinking or a case of the munchies. How am I supposed to have a balanced diet when the only things open are the gas station and McDonalds? Last night I could've gone for a nice turkey and cheese wrap, but alas, no such eatery was open at 5am that could answer the call of sweet delicious turkey.

3. I'm an adult?

College is supposed to prepare me for the real world. Well, all I've really learned in college is math based on terms of beer. "Well I weigh 155 pounds, I've drank 9 beers over the course of 2 and a half hours. At my current rate of digestion and taking into account my height above sea level, not to mention factoring in the amount of carbohydrates I've eaten today, the estimated time of sobriety in relation to operation of an automobile is 47 minutes." Yup, fuck linear algebra. This shit has some real life use!

4. Interning

Real excited about this concept. Instead of starting out at some low level desk job where I sharpen pencils all day, I get to do the work an autistic monkey could accomplish, recieve no pay, and commute 2 hours to NYC all for the sake of glorious college credit. And if I'm really lucky, I'll get to become a pencil sharpening moron after I graduate. Overpriced studio apartment here I come!

Ok I'm done bitching. I'm only angry because I'm procrastinating writing a paper for that great Foreign Film class that is providing me with such useful life skills.

-Randy

An Open Letter to Mr. Al Roker--

2005-10-25T11:45:00.000-04:00

Dear Mr. Roker--

I notice that either you or a representative from your website has recently visited our weblog. I appreciate your positive feedback and the offer to buy goods from your website (please see comment on post "Battle Royale...")

Sadly, I do not have ANY Al Roker merchandise and being a lowly sketch comedian, do not have the liquid assets to buy an oversize "Al Roker Tee" for $16.00. I must admit however, Mr. Roker, the t-shirts are quite appealing and if you or your staff decided to send Cubicle a donation of 8 shirts, we would proudly wear them during our next show (we have one this Friday at UPenn, 7 PM and another next Friday, 10:30 PM at the Philly Improv Festival.)

Many groups have uniforms and Cubicle has always felt at a slight disadvantage being without some sort of "group tee." We may even find it in our hearts to change our name to "The Al Rokers" or "The Weathermen," although I'm pretty sure that was a militant anti-government organization that believed in violence as a means to change our society. But either one!

I want to take this opportunity, Mr. Roker, to extend an invitation to our next run of shows in New York City, Saturday, November 12th and 19th at 9:30 PM at the PIT, 154 W. 29th Street. It is normally $8 but I'm sure we can put you on some sort of guest list. Please write us at cubicleimprov@yahoo.com for further details.

In closing, I hope you realize that although our personal relationship can be one of good-natured friendship, in order to maintain my professional career, I cannot stop making fun of your Today show appearances. I hope you realize that this does not reflect on how I feel about you as a person but merely, makes me a better performer (and to tell the truth, putting people down makes me feel better about myself on a personal level.)

Sincerely,

Leslie

ps-stop fucking with my head.

Battle Royale this Saturday!!

2005-10-19T11:15:00.000-04:00

Now, I'm SURE I don't know you, whoever you are, lone blogger, who looks at these small posts and thinks, "Well, hey, these are some people I want to keep track of..." (Sidenote: If you have been keeping track of these, you are quite lucky because when I get sickeningly famous, you can slander my name by spilling the beans about my secret hatred for Al Roker.) But ANYWAY! Cubicle is kicking it OUT on:

Saturday, October 22nd, 11 PM
The PIT, 154 W. 29th Street, NYC, $8

This is a big time competition. BIG TIME. It is: Cubicle vs. The Royal We! Yep, comedy scene darlings, the Royal We, versus Cubicle, fresh-faced newcomers. We are actually an Online Time Out Pick of the Week! How about them apples?

This is by audience vote so come out and show some damn support. We've done enough for you, like fill your lives with the laughter of children! And adults! And tweens! Actually, maybe not the children--it's kind of an adult show...

Seriously, this is A game stuff. No bush-leagues here. Serious...seriously FUNNY, that is!!!

Get your ass there.

-Leslie

Online Dating and other hazards of NYC...

2005-10-06T14:50:00.000-04:00

So, I recently ventured into some accidental online dating. Ok, ok. So it wasn't a total accident. But it WAS a dare--I recently acquired a new friend who also happens to be a girl (which is sadly rare for me) and she convinced me that this would be fun. So I did it. What can I say? I may be a mighty oak but even the sturdiest of trees will fall under the ax of the double-dog-dare. Here's the thing: I don't know how to date. I am a dating retard. So nothing has progressed past the point of "wink," "messaging," and whatever other euphamism this particular site uses.

But here's the whole point. Some 44 year old guy "winked" at me! Does anyone else find this totally gross? I understand the may-december romance notion but that's 19 years! He could be my dad! What if I was adopted and my parents never told me and he inseminated some woman 25-26 years ago and he never knew and then we ended up dating and getting married and having a kid (and of course the kid would be alright because mutation really doesn't occur with that type of inbreeding--maybe he'd be a little slow but nothing noticeable, nothing we wouldn't blame on the occasional glass of wine I had during my pregnancy and the pollution being what it is...) and then for some reason, he was like "I want a paternity test to make sure that kid is mine!" (In all truth, I wouldn't marry someone who thinks I'm THAT big a slut but I digress.) So I get my DNA tested and he gets his tested and little Peanut or whatever his name is gets his tested and the doctors are like, "Well, Peanut is his son, but you also share 50% of your DNA with your husband which means you are his DAUGHTER!" And then I'd scream and he'd scream and Peanut would scream and then we'd all have to go on Montel.

So seriously, isn't that gross?

Also, come see our show this Saturday at the PIT, 154 W. 29th Street, 7 PM. $8. Cold hard cash.

-Leslie

Watch your back, City of Brotherly Love!!

2005-10-04T11:48:00.000-04:00

Cubicle is taking a road trip!

We are performing in the first ever Philadelphia Improv Festival! So all you jerks from my home town can see how far I've come! Well, truth be told, I was 4 years old when we moved away so I didn't really know any jerks besides that guy in Nursery School who wore tights under his pants (I think it was a hygeine thing.) But all that aside, this a pretty exciting time since it's Cubicle's first adventure outside of NYC. Ok, well, we performed in New Jersey ONCE--stop splitting hairs. So we're not sure the exact date/time we are going but it's most likely:

Friday, November 4th!
See www.phillyimprov.com/festival for details including other groups in the festival!

Ok, now back to the important stuff: Yesterday on the Today show, Mario Cantone was on. You may know him from sex and the city but I may know him from his intensely dark and insane children's show, Steampipe Alley. If anyone has any of these episodes taped, send them to me because man, they are the most hilarious and inappropriate shows ever. But so Al Roker was interviewing him and he was going crazy, speaking in tongues and stuff and Al Roker was actually trying to keep up with him, joke for joke! It was like watching Earth Girls Are Easy. The scene where Damon Wayans learns how to dance and totally schools that other guy at that club and gets the chicks? Al Roker was totally the other guy.

Why be with a zero, when you could be with a hero?

-Leslie

SHOWS!!!!

2005-09-28T11:14:00.000-04:00

Ok, ok, bloggers. Keep your pants thoroughly on. I'm sure that the 5 hits we've ever gotten that aren't from our own members (that's a guesstimate) are going to go friggin' wild over this news.
SHOWS! We have SHOWS!

Cubicle presents, "The Time of Your Life!"
Saturdays, October 1, 8 and 15, 7 pm.
The PIT, 154 W. 29th Street, $8, Cash Only.

This show features Baby Jessica, the KKK, Elian Gonzales, Faith-based puppetry and songs about Lesbians and Rudy's bar!

So seriously, all you bloggers. Get your live webcams rolling for this live RSS Feed! (I have no idea what all that means...)

Comments? Questions? Email us at cubicleimprov@yahoo.com. Or just call my cell. If you're cool, you already know it.

-Leslie

FAKE JERKIES!

2005-09-22T16:08:00.000-04:00

Ok, here's the deal. I told my group that they have to start posting (Thanks, Dan) because I don't want to seem like the only loser. I mean, hell, Dan is unemployed, Michael is a hermaphrodite and they are way more loser-y than me. I also said that no one ever reads this and if we EVER got a comment, I would crap my pants full of money (Yeah, this is totally hard but by no means impossible. I saw it on AFV). So then Dan posts. Hazaa! And then, and THEN!!!! We get 2, count 'em, TWO comments on his post! SO I am singing, doing the running man, yknow, whatever one does at the office when one is happy. Until...I click on the posts.

FAKE JERKIES! It's those assholes who are like, "Oh hey, liked your website, come see mine!" and it's for dating sites and gambling sites and sites where dogs are re-enacting the civil war (Ok, that last site I would totally go to but the others, forget it.)

So once again, my dreams are ruined by insensitive computer programs.

And Al Roker.

sigh.

-Leslie

NPH - Doogie LIVES!

2005-09-19T20:45:00.000-04:00

Here I am, watching this new show on CBS, featuring Neil Patrick Harris, NPH himself. He was just playing lazer tag. The show itself is not that great, but man oh man Doogie is back...and he just mentioned blogs. Isn't it ironic? Don't ya think?
I don't have job right now, so if anyone's hiring please let me know.
So the Cubicle film crew had a kick ass day of shooting last Wednesday in Central Park. We filmed "Shade", a little 1950's style commercial (that's all I'll say - hit up our October run at the PIT to find out more), and then started shooting "Scent of a Raptor". All I have to say is Cesar running around Central Park in his Raptor costume (green unitard, green bike shorts, dew rag, and a green pool noodle sticking out his ass) made a lot of peoples' days. Tourists took pictures, children gawked, dogs attacked. Check out the show.
I'm signing off now. Time for more TV. Night.

No one but little old me...

2005-09-08T12:34:00.000-04:00

Still, no one posting but me. It's fine. I'm fine. I'm at work so it's not like I take time out of my real life to post to this stupid thing.
Here are some more Today Show updates:

Al Roker was gone for a few weeks because he needed back surgery. The kicker? His doctor said he needed to lose 40 more pounds. He explained that before he was "morbidly obese" and now he's just "obese." Why is that so fucking hilarious to me?
Also, that jam guy who announces the birthdays told Al he was "back, no pun intended." Is that really a pun? Because I thought a pun was a word that meant two things in the sentence that it was in, not just in general. Maybe I'm wrong.

I was invited into the ladies lotto club today at work, officially making me "an office gal." Hallmark should have a greeting card for such an occasion...

-Leslie

Another Al Roker slip-up...

2005-08-11T10:32:00.000-04:00

This morning on the Today show, Katie Couric asked the audience what Matt Lauer, Jude Law and George Clooney had in common. Al Roker immediately answered, "I hate them?"

Now we know the truth, Al Roker. Now we know the truth.

-Leslie

Xavier Roberts...man or myth?

2005-08-09T16:35:00.000-04:00

Number 1: Xavier Roberts. So was he real or is he like Ronald McDonald? And who would win in a fight?

Number 2: Remember Cabbage Patch Kid Preemies? These were tiny little cabbage patch kids made to simulate premature babies. Except without all those terrible machines and heart murmers and stuff. Children are awful--meaning, I remember screaming in joy as I received my preemie because it was about half the size of a normal CPK and just precious. I hope everyone who ever had a preemie has a real "preemie" and then they'll see how they like it.

Except for me.

-Leslie

2005-08-09T12:08:00.000-04:00

The sexy members of cubicle. Mm mm mm. I can barely restrain myself...

-Leslie

Lonely...

2005-08-09T11:40:00.000-04:00

No one posts. No one looks at this stupid blog. I hate it.

This morning on the Today show, Al Roker said he was a "Playa'," offically making that word uncool.So far, here are the words Al Roker has ruined for me and the world at large:

Krunk
Krump (and any variation thereof)
Playa'
The phrase "It's Gettin' Hot in Here!"
Berries
Funky
Soul Brotha'
Punk'd
Jive Turkey
Gastric Bypass Surgery

SO, thank you, Al Roker, you big fat skinny ruiner.

-Leslie

Off into the wild green yonder...

2005-06-29T12:42:00.000-04:00

So I'm off to England tonight for a glorious two weeks. I'll be hiking from coast to coast--who am I, right? By the time I get back, I'm expecting this blog to be hugely famous and totally SETUP. Ok, Cubicle? Do it up.
Wish me luck!

-Leslie

Status Symbol Disease

2005-06-28T16:25:00.000-04:00

So this is what it has come down to? A blog, the lowest rung on that ladder I like to call the internet. How tragic indeed. Anyways, I landed myself a summer job today. *Holds for applause* For the duration of the summer I will be selling paint at a building supply store. Woohoo go me. Yeah so that's about it for life right now. Go Cubicle!

-Randy

First Post Ever. How tragic.

2005-06-28T14:43:00.000-04:00

Cubicle hates blogs. But it has become a necessary evil. Ok, maybe we don't haaate blogs, but we don't like them. Ok, we like them but we don't want to marry them or anything.

We don't!

Seriously!

Fine.

Shut up.